Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

A lady with her baby is sitting in a bus beside the driver. "What an ugly baby!", said the driver to the lady.

Feeling insulted, she moved to another seat and murmurred a few things under her breathe. The man next to her asked, "What happened?"

"The driver just insulted me!" she cried. Sympathetic, the man offered, "That bastard, he shouldn't have insulted you! Go, get his number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant .

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth .

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.